who I once was

She cringed when she looked down and saw them. The scars had been with her for over twenty years, thus making their appearance less noticeable to her on most days. But today, she found herself staring at them intently. They represented the most painful time in her life--a time where she had once questioned if she would ever make it through. Yet, she somehow had, and had the scars to prove it. 

She noticed other people's scars, as well. Not everyone wore them the same, and their uniqueness carried a burden that only the individual who adorned them would understand for they were the only one who had fought the battle. Maybe they had support, maybe not, but ultimately the trial that they faced at the time, they faced alone. Or so it usually felt.

Every scar-bearer had a unique story to tell, but her's wasn't one of courage, yet of fear. Fear of regret. Fear of rejection. Fear of life, or what it would hold. Fear of no longer feeling, or living in a world where she couldn't feel anything at all. And now she found herself thinking of the scars of some of her brave friends who had battle scars from double mastectomies, from colostomy bags, from ungrown hair patches that had never fully come back, and she was angered because of her own.

Each stripe on her wrist brought her back to the days where she felt more alone than she ever had. A time where she so desperately wanted some kind of control over her own life yet couldn't find it. A time where she questioned if anyone would notice if she simply wasn't around the next day.

And now, she bore the scars to remind her.

Then she smiled. She remembered. There was someone who bore scars, too. Only His scars were to give life to all who would accept them in place of their own. To the one with scars on their chest from a battle with breast cancer; to the little girl with a beautiful bald scalp from her chemo treatments; to the ones whose scars were often invisible. His would cover them all.

No matter if you are like me and look down and find yourself regretting the battle scars of your life, this is a reminder to look up. There you will find the perfect scars of the One who took yours upon Himself and breathed life into them.

"He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By His sins, you are healed." 1 Peter 2:24

Peace and love to you all, in the name of Yeshua.

Piper and Lincoln.

First let me begin this post with a heartfelt thanks for the many people that I know are keeping up with my niece's story and continue to pray for her and the family as she battles something that no parent should ever watch their kids go through. I sometimes wonder if they realize just how real their strength and faith through all this is to those of us looking in; how when we ask ourselves what we would do if put in the same position. I feel like even on the days where they don't even know how to express what this feels like, their underlying faith is testimony enough. It truly is nudging people to look inside and ask themselves,  "What does my faith look like?"

This weekend I was able to spend some time with Piper and Lincoln. We had a pretty good schedule going there for a few weeks of Friday visits, but due to life circumstances, I hadn't been to see her in a couple of weeks. I was expecting to see a new port so I was trying to prepare for what that might look like, understanding that she may have a couple of tubes sticking out of her neck. I must admit I was grateful to see that she hadn't had that procedure yet and pondered the thought of how many times her mom and dad had mentally prepared themselves for one thing or another in the last eight months. I asked myself if undergoing yet another surgery would ever be something that would be considered mundane in the grand scheme of all that her 45 pound body had already endured. I imagined that as a parent, accepting this as a new norm would never be really normal.  I sent up a prayer  asking God that he would never allow me to get complacent in thanking Him for each day that my own kids were healthy, as well as quoted the scripture that I have clung for Danny and Arellia throughout this ordeal, which says, "Because they trust in the Lord, they will renew their strength. Piper will soar on wings like eagles. She will run and not grow weary. She will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31) I believe this scripture with all of my heart and someday when Piper gets older, I am going to have someone monogram this scripture onto something for her to wear during her first marathon. And maybe her  wedding dress somehow, too. They can do that, right?

Back to my visit this weekend. Piper wantedt to watch Beauty and the Beast so we cuddled up on the couch and watched for a while until the kids got restless and we built a tent and chased each other through the tent entrance and exit. Lincoln confused the word tent with parachute and he kept trying to jump on top of it like it was going to bounce him into the sky or something, but were having fun and that is all that mattered. Once the kids showed signs of tiring, we cuddled back down just in time to see the end of the movie where that big jerk Gaston shoots the beast with an arrow while Belle looks on. Apparently during some part of this, and even though the kids have seen the movie before and I have seen it enough to perform it live on Broadway if ever I needed to, my face showed some signs of worry. I didn't realize it until I looked over at Piper whose face was crinkled up with concern. I asked her if she was ok and she said, "Aunt Sarah, just watch. He's going to be okay," confessing a response evoked because she saw the expression of fear laying across her Aunt's face. I immediately smiled at her and said, "I know he is going to be ok. I must have just forgotten for a second." Truth is, the emotion of the moment had gotten the best of me and there was no hiding it apparently. As soon as I smiled, the kid's faces lit up and we all returned to what we knew was the truth: that the beast would be transformed into a handsome young ruler who would marry Belle. And live happily ever after. I am blessed to have captured the moment with the kids when the beast became a man and you see that happily ever after is actually a reality for the story of Belle and her beast.


Several moments stand out in my mind from the past several months of Piper's journey, but the one that I can't tell without getting excited was when my brother stood before our church during a very-specific night designed to cry out to God on behalf of Piper. That night, my baby brother stood before every member present  and told them that when they prayed for his daughter's life, not to whimper in silence or beg for her life to be spared, but to boldly come to our Heavenly Father and thank Him for the life he was going to restore in Piper by the name of Jesus. The Healer. The Restorer. The Redeemer. The Shepherd. The Almighty. The One whose suffering can take the place of our own. Somehow.

How often do we ourselves forget what we know is going to happen in the end? Have we lived through hard times before, only to temporarily forget the ending like I did when the beast lives on? And when we do, how much do we affect those who may be going through their first storm yet see the fear on our faces instead of the goofy grins that delight in knowing that God already knows because He is already there? He gives us a reason to smile, even if it is for indescribable peace. We know that the world will give us trouble, but we stand on the cornerstone that is Jesus whom is able to see us through. What a reason to rejoice!

So tonight I am going to be a little bold myself. I realize that there are those of you who are keeping up with Piper's story and how Danny and Arellia's faith is strengthening your own. I am so thankful for that. But my question to you, beloved reader, is what do you believe? Maybe you are on the "Praying for Piper" FB page and find yourself questioning how people can handle something like this. Or maybe you casually comment "praying" every time Arellia posts something new. Maybe you really do, or maybe you just say that because it is politically correct to reply in that manner. I get it, believe me, I do. When I first felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit in my life, I searched for an outward expression to declare a change that I had experienced even though I may not have truly known what it meant. But there is real power there. My pastor reminded me today that the same power that rose Jesus from the grave lives in us. In you. No longer are the days where you have to wonder where to cast your anchor in the storm, because he is on the boat waiting for you to glance back and see him
. And when you do, and you release all of the luggage that you are carrying, the hurts that you have experienced, the disappointments in life, the times that you felt alone, please know that someone who suffered way worse is waiting for you to take a deep breath and whisper his name.

You may cry a little, or smile a lot, but whatever your response is to THE response that you make today is, it will be beautiful.

Please let someone know. I would love for it to be me. But mostly, I am glad it is HIM.

our story

The fear of judgement would have been easy to collapse under, yet one foot after the other, he landed at the foot of an alter and cried out to God. This man, who had convinced himself that the minute he set foot inside a church, lightning would probably strike him down, was now weeping with his face buried in his hands and crying out to a God who poured out his love for the one who had wandered from the flock. Destined to break free from the chains that held him breathless under a crushing restraint of life's regrets, he was ready to give his suffering a new purpose. 

What he saw when he turned around was nothing short of a miracle in his eyes: the hands that satan might have tried to use to condemn him were now praising God for the return of the prodigal. With hands laid all over his back, this son could feel the love penetrate his once-hardened heart from the congregation that now lifted him up and accepted him for who he was, but moreso for who God called him to be. 

That day would shape the future of a marriage, the future of a family, and the future of the kingdom of God. The warrior had now accepted his calling and even though many battles would come his way, the war was already won and a Messiah was the victor. 

Fast forward to a few years later, the call that had been placed on the soldier's life was still as strong as ever. As he prepared to accompany hundreds of kids during church camp to learn about the wonder of this Savior that he serves, his heart softened for each child as he reveled at the small role he got to play in each one of their lives as he told about the day that he laid it all on the altar and turned to face a church crowd who had loved him almost as much as his Christ did. The victory was made ever so sweet when during the last night at camp, I looked up at the altar and saw this precious man of mine  leading a young boy in the sinner's prayer that would change the direction in his life the same way it changed the direction of mine when Jesus took back what belonged to him already. 

I wondered if the tears that I saw coming down my husband's face were similar to the time he accepted God's love in place of the judgement he had feared; or if it were because he knew that this simple prayer would shape the future of the young man for whom he had led to Christ. Either way, I rejoice. 

Piper

I became very aware that I had been here before. Let me explain.

Last night I was allowed the honor to come and support some special little people in my life to  Sunshine Academy's dance recital. The night was filled with precious toddlers in tutu's, flitting balerina's that made Tchaikovsky's tunes come to life, and an audience that marveled at the spectatular ambiance of the night.  But there was one thought that held my mind captive: this show was missing one key player, and she is our Piper-girl.

Many of you know of my five-year old niece's battle with cancer that was diagnosed right after Christmas this year. Without blinking an eye, I recognize that the picture you see was time stamped this exact date one year ago. How can so much happen in a year? As I watched hundreds of dancers take the stage last night, I wondered if our little ballerina would return to the stage once more and claim the bouquets of flowers that she received from many relatives the night of her debut. If she would once again slip into her precious little costume made for this very special night in her life; or if she would smile with pride at her mama and daddy when they doted on their  little girl for a job well done.

To begin the festivities, the director of the academy offered those in attendance a scripture. Isaiah 40:31, the very prayer I have prayed over Piper's life since the diagnosis was given, and I recalled my own version of it: "Because [Danny and Arellia] trust it the Lord, they will find new strength, as will Piper. They will soar high on wings like eagles. Piper will run and not grow weary; she will walk and not faint." I started reciting this prayer over Piper and her parents and declared that God would be their strength. Last week, I was thrilled to learn that Piper was taking some initiative in walking on her own and immediately recognized that God was indeed showing off his strength through her and allowing me a small window to see that the faith we have all clung to was giving way to an ever-faithful Jehovah Rapha, the Almighty Healer.

Our pastor is having us participate in a congregational reading of the New Testament and as I read through Luke 2 last night, I recall that during a lonely night on the job, a group of shepherds were visited by an angel. Not only did the shepherds receive a miracle when they encountered "the armies of heaven," (vs. 13), they also learned firsthand about this baby that would be entering the world to save the soul of mankind. It was after the angels left did the shepherds rush back to Bethlehem to see with their own eyes what they believed with their hearts.

Shortly after the shepherds arrived to the place where Mary and Joseph were with their infant son, they excitement couldn't be contained as what they knew to be true was acknowledged for their human eyes to see. Verse 19 says that "Mary kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often." She remembered the miracle that was given to her for it could not be denied now.

 Today as I looked around the room during church, I recalled a few miracles that we have seen within our church family. I think about the pillars of faith that have sustained us time and time again, and even when the prayers we lift up in faith don't happen, the Cornerstone remains the same: Jesus is faithful and continues to pour out onto us with a peace that passes understanding. "The peace I give is a gift the world cannot give, so don't be troubled or afraid." (John 14:27) Remembering is sometimes hard for us to do, but we must because they remind us of God's faithfulness when  we are sometimes walking through the hard times of life.

So Father, today. I chose to praise you like the shepherds did. I chose to believe in faith the miracle you are allowing me to witness with each stride that Piper makes. I thank you for her parents! Father, bless them beyond measure. May the words of my prayers reach the deepest recesses of their hearts through Your Holy Spirit.

I thank you for Piper's body, Lord. I thank you for the day she climbs back into her dance shoes and ballerina outfit and leaps across the stage with the grace and mobility that only you can give her. I stand on the promise that you are working out all things for her good. Father, I pray for the faith of the onlookers who know about Piper's story and whose relationships with you are being strengthened through the tale of the beautiful ballerina named Piper.

who I once was

Tonight's entry takes a little bit of courage on my part, I fear. So lets all just calm down and take a deep breath. These are your peeps, Sarah. And it's not like you are standing in front of a crowd dressed in your birthday attire. We are just talking about tattoos for crying out loud.

It all started on January 7th, 1998, otherwise known as my eighteenth birthday. The day I could buy a pack of cigarettes, a lottery ticket, get charged as an adult, and even get a tattoo. Amazingly, (and because I had pretty protective parents), I didn't go to jail, buy a lottery ticket, commit a crime (that would come later), but I certainly did check myself out of youth group early that night and make my way over to the only tattoo joint in town, unbeknowst to anyone. The result was an homage to my love of the hippy way of life, or what I thought I knew about it because of pictures I had seen of my dad when he had a white-man afro.  Anyway, I ended up with a tattoo of a peace sign. It was about the size of a quarter and I managed to keep it hidden until one of the dozens of people that  I had shown it to during school opened their blabber mouth to my mom while a chance encounter in Walmart. Lets just say that there was a good reason I had been keeping it hidden and move on.

As I drifted through the last of my teenage years and rolled into my twenties, my life became a mirage of what i believed to be a very cool lifestyle, only being tempted into believing that I was invincible and my motto was "Go big or go home." The liquor was hard, the drugs were harder, and the bigger the tattoo, the cooler I thought it was. It wasn't until the crash of 2001 was I able to look back and see how messed up things really were and then shame started to seep in. I  enrolled in school and so there was somewhat of a forward progression of my life, but the tats kept me attached to this stereotype that I had become. By the end of this specific era, I had much of my back covered in a mosaic of ink, symbolic of the various stages of my life until that point. When I gave my life back to Christ in 2006, I realized just how aware I was of the artwork that adorned my body, keeping it covered up much of the time because my heart had changed and I felt like I had to hide some of the regrets of the past, tattoos included. 

When I started feeling called into ministry, I was very aware of the stigma attached to people who had tattoos and remember always being guarded when I could feel my hair part ways, exposing the footprint of my life represented by ink that was sprawled out on my back for the world to see. For me to wear my hair down, well, it took guts if I knew that I was going to be at church, or even in the presence of other church goers. I feared judgment to the point that I would not go up to the altar at church because that required me to lean my head forward to pray and my hair might part ways, exposing what I desperately tried to keep hidden. How sad to think that someone who so desperately wanted to cry out to God while kneeling at the foot of the altar, but wouldn't because the guilt and condemnation of her physical appearance,kept her fists clenching the chair in front of her to keep those chains locked tight that would lead her to freedom. 

When I was given the opportunity of a lifetime to work where God has called me to now, I remember the first time that someone saw the secret I was so desperately trying to keep hidden. My hair had been pulled up and fastened with a pencil holding it in place, when I felt a hand touch my upper back. I was busted.  I looked for the words to explain myself so that I could  give an explanation to the person who had discovered the tip of the glacier that led to its entirety that I had hidden for so many years. It was then that I was met with open arms of affection, acceptance, and praise for what God had brought me through. 

I no longer needed to hide the scars of my past because they were the successes of a Savior who had saved me in my darkness and carried me into the light!

I think the reason I am writing this is because I know that there are others like you who feel the old curse of sin and too, are holding on to it for fear of judgement or rejection. What I will say to you now is that satan is trying to keep you from surrendering your story to God and breaking free from the binding chains that would have you believe that you are just some old wash up unworthy of your own redemptive story. God is calling you out and saying that He is made strong in your weakness. That whatever you are holding on to that keeps you from taking hold of the life that he has prepared for you, you must let it go and give it to Him. 

Without Him, you will fall. But with Him, you will soar. 

By the way, some of the most Godly people I know have tattoos. They drink. They cuss. They get mad at their kids. They get irritated while driving.  They struggle. Do you want to know why they continue to win hearts to Jesus? Because they are real, and being a common-day disciple means stripping off our Sunday suits and showing people that we ALL fall short of the glory of God, yet His grace extends beyond our grasp of understanding. 

"Lazarus, come out."

I am going to just be competely real for a few minutes so I ask for grace when I put everything on the line for the world to see. You see, the truth is that I am good at dodging the questions that might have you wonder how my faith is, when in all reality, I too struggle. And while I know that I know that I know who my Savior is, finding His will in this mess of life is easier on some days, harder on others.

When my 5-year old niece was first diagnosed with cancer, after the shock had settled, I started to watch for miracles to happen. Obviously, both then and now, I prayed for that one miracle that would come in the version of an "all clear" scan of her body. No cancer. Completely clear. Now, three months later, I am learning to trust God in all things and praise Him as I see my brave brother and sister-in-law wade through the water holding on the promise stated to all of us believers in Isaiah 43:2: "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. (3) For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior..."

These miracle stories have come, and at first I found my praises being lifted to God for what I was witnessing. People were hearing about my niece and were beginning to pray for the first time in a long time. I even had an atheist tell me that they would "pray to my God on behalf of my niece." I'll take it and rejoice gladly! But before long, a different type of seed was planted and in no time, the bitterness crept in. It was a simple question that sounded something like this: "Do you really think your prayers can change the will of God?" Like a knife in the back, I tried to recover yet searched for the words.  Did I really think my prayers could change the will of God in regards to my precious niece's life? I thought so. But soon my tears were no longer being shed for the souls that were being drawn in to a closer relationship with the Father, rather they were being shed in anger. For example, I remember telling God about how messed up it was for my niece to have to go through hell for someone who had shared with me that "her situation had really made them think about God again." My heart had such a reason to celebrate this, as I mourn regularly over people who don't know the kind of freedom that Christ offered to those who believe. Yet my mind cried out in an imaginary conversation with them, "you know, God has always been here. Does my niece really have to suffer for you to get that?! Because you could have had this all along! Long before the suffering began!" I thank God for my husband who laid his hands over my body that morning and cried and prayed over me. I love you, Jarett. 

There is a famous story in the Bible that refers to one of Jesus's best friends, Lazarus. Lazarus had become sick and when Jesus heard about it, he didn't rush to his side immediately, saying "Lazarus's sickness will not end in death. No, it happened for the glory of God so that the Son of God will receive glory from this." (John 11:4)  So the son of God, the Almighty Healer, the Great Physician, the Great Deliverer, waited. He could have rushed to be with His friend, but instead, he waited. God would have to get his glory or it was all for nothing. Life is but a fleeting moment, filled with the moments from God that impact us somehow, and Jesus knew this. So he waited in order for the glory of God to shine. 

It has been a few weeks since that dark seed was planted, and would you believe it if I told you that the same person who asked me that pivotal question has since returned into my life? I will admit that my initial reaction was to hold my breath and wait for the scary blow of [her] reality to come baring down on me. Thankfully I belong to a patient God with a sense of humor and have dumped the rotten harvest from that first encounter  back through the gates of hell  where it belongs and now am full with the truth about God's promises that enable me to plant His seeds in her heart.  Have I figured out the answer to the question "are my prayers really going to change the will of God?" No, but I don't need to right now. All I need to know is that God is good all the time. And all the time, God is good. (And let her know, too.)