"All the Feels" (part 1)

This past Sunday, our Pastor began a new sermon series titled, "All The Feels." Coincidental that many of us were already in a reminiscent mood considering it was the 15th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on our country and we recalled how we watched in horror as terrorists flew planes into the twin towers located in New York city as well as the Pentagon, resulting in the loss of almost 3.000 American citizens. Not coincidental if you believe that God already had a message placed on the heart of one of His followers, who would be delivering a message about emotions to his flock. Let's face it: many of us had "all the feels" simply because of the remembrance of that day.

Our choir special was beautifully delivered by the talented singer Carla McAlexander, who bravely stood mid-stage and sang a rendition of Kari Jobe's song " I am not alone." The song is a reminder about how we all face trials, yet when we fix our eyes on Christ, we are never truly alone. Carla and Kevin are the proud parents of Morgan and Mason, and it was on December 11, 2014 when their lives changed as they learned that their beloved daughter had been involved in a car accident that would ultimately result in her gaining angel wings on July 3, 2015.

Morgan was an angel here on earth but God needed her elsewhere, and the McAlexander family is a living testimony as to how we must depend on God, despite our humanly inclinations to question why bad things happen to good people and doubt if we are truly alone in life. While I haven't had the chance to ask this question face-to-face with my friends, my heart tells me that after everything that they have had to endure, they would still answer that none of us are alone, as God has been their strength and they have clung to Morgan's favorite Bible verse that states, " I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

There is a stereotype that women are more emotional than men; we are the definition of "All the Feels" much more than our male counterparts, but God made woman because he believed that man needed a companion. Not weaker, but complementary. All created in His Image, therefore containing all of the ingredients that our Maker possesses. Solemn or sappy. Hard or soft. Held-back tears or cry babies . His Image, and perfectly molded.

And on this particular Sunday, I could have been the poster child for the "All the Feels" campaign. I was carrying baggage that I had from Friday that involved uncertainties concerning one of the little girls in my class. Combined with the 9/11 anniversary and the beautiful tribute from my friend while carrying the burden of losing a child in her heart yet still declaring that we are still not alone, it was all I could do to not break down from the emotional overload.

Later that night in our small group, we were asked to complete the phrase "Above all else," The answers ranged from "Keep calm and carry on," "Sleep and sleep often," and "waffles"(child response) on the comedic side to "Love," "Forgive," "Seek God," and "trust God because man will fail." on the serious side. In the Bible, the phrase "Above all else" is followed by "guard your heart because everything you do flows from it." (Proverbs 4:23)

Your feelings and emotions are a window peering into your heart. It affects the way you see the world.

When my pastor spoke those words, they cut through me. Here I was, basically mourning the uncertainties that lied ahead for the little girl in my classroom while my friend was declaring, even as she herself mourned the loss of her only daughter, that we are not alone.

You see, my emotions had taken me to the dark side. I was already mourning a situation in which so much of the unknown had not yet come to light. I was heavy hearted and allowing that darkness to cloud the potential that God was showing me that He could handle and make beautiful. I was never worried about myself when it came to the welfare of the kids in my class, but instead always about them and for a second I allowed clarity to leave the scene and chaos to ensue.

I was choosing the darkness and He was crying out to me, "You are not alone and neither is she!"

I had bought *Katie a pair of shoes because the pair she always wore to school didn't fit her, and almost as if choosing to wallow in grief, I took a picture of them and looked at that picture all weekend. I asked myself things like, "Does she even have any shoes to wear?" and "Is she safe-wherever she is?" I think grief is a normal part of life, but my emotions had taken over and listening to my friend declare that we aren't alone despite the tragedy that her family had experienced helped me to look up and see that He holds the whole world in His hands.

Beloved, guard your heart. Choose Christ. If I had kept my eyes focused on my Heavenly Father, the guarantee that He could handle whatever situation Katie was in would have allowed this classroom mama to rest in Him. Just as Jesus has the power to give sight to the blind, his spirit is capable of guiding your emotions.

When we focus on the problem, we miss out on the blessing. He can calm the chaotic state of your mind. (Pastor Tim)

Father God,
I praise you for making me in Your Image! Thank you for the redirection that you are able to give me when I let my emotions lead me instead of your sweet spirit. Keep my eyes fixed on you because I know you have already overcome this world! Give me eyes to see things the way you do, and a heart to love as you have. Thank you for the precious people that you have placed in my life that are a symbol of what faith, hope, and love look like. Continue to pour out your blessings on those who acknowledge that even in the dark times, you are there. And give the assurance of abundant life that you have to those who need it.
Amen

What if kids make fun of me?

This is a question we have heard so many times from our oldest son. He is in the 5th grade and with his weight and height, he towers above all the other kids. He has been made fun of all of his life, and while we have been mindful of his food intake  since  he was in kindergarten and always made sure he led an active lifestyle, we have come to realize that he will never be "regular sized."

When he came home and mentioned to us that he wanted to play football, we were supportive. I suppressed the idea that there would be that kid who would make fun of my sons' athletic ability because of his size and told him that if he really wanted to, we could go check it out.

My son. His face shined when he ran through the preliminary obstacle course and kept up with the other kid he was racing against. He was so proud of himself and I began to get excited about his future in football.

I walked onto those bleachers as the mom of a 5th grader:

 I walked off as a proud mom to a football player. 

My footballer went to hang out with a friend later that day and it was during that time that I received a call from his coach concerning practice and game times. During this conversation, coach told me that he saw my son come onto the field and immediately told the other coaches that "this kid is mine." His enthusiasm for recruiting his future defensive linebacker was evident in the tone of his voice and my mama pride swelled with each sentence that he spoke. 

Later after I picked up my son from his buddies' house, I was about to break out the good news about his new team when he started to say something. He hesitated, but then managed to utter the words, "Mom, do I need to climb on a treadmill?" It appeared we had encountered that kid. I sidestepped the crying fest that I have dealt with before by only asking minimal questions so as not to give it much emphasis, and told him about the conversation I had with his coach. 

"Coach saw you on the field. He told the other recruiters that he wanted you, and he got you. He said you would be a big part of the team."

His concern about fitting in and not being made fun of because of his size were escorted away because of his newfound acceptance by his coach. As parents, all we want is for him to know that he is an incredible kid with a huge heart and more smarts than we ever had. But for a total stranger to seek him out and say "Come be on my team. We need you," well, it was a game changer, no pun intended.

At the beginning of the school year, I told our son how proud I was of him. No matter what. I also told him to always look for the kid who needs a friend, and found them he has; but on this particular day, it was someone else who found him and I thank God for that. 

As I sit back and think about the days' activities, I can't help but think about how we would all function if we put on that daily armor that lets us know that we are accepted. Today, my sons' confidence rose because he found acceptance in a place where the unknown was scary.

 His fear was replaced with confidence. 

His worry was replaced with certainty. 

His worth was confirmed through the words of an eager coach. 

The Bible tells us in John to "Take heart, for I have overcome the world!"(16:33) Yes, we will have concerns. Yes, we will have insecure moments. Yes, we will be let down. But no, we will not be shaken because our foundation is not built on us, it is built on the belief in Christ. He has sought us out, He has chosen us, and He has said "You belong with me." 

Maybe you are the encourager, like coach: Keep encouraging, because you never know how God is using you to reach someone in a dark place. Maybe you are the insecure 5th grader, seeking acceptance in a world that has dealt you some pretty hard blows: know that you have been handpicked by God to be brave and bold and embrace your acceptance even when it is hard. 

Father God,

I pray for the one who is reading this and wondering if the kind words they said to someone in passing, and if those words matter; let them know that they do. I pray for the one that is seeking you out and trying to find their identity in you and role in your kingdom: place in their heart the knowledge of acceptance you have for them, and the pride you take in them. I pray for the mom's, dad's, grandparents, teachers, ministry workers, coaches,and anyone else that I missed; give us the discernment to know when to speak, when to listen, and how to pray.  

In the name of Jesus, Amen.

I want[ed] bad karma.

First let me say that I don't believe in karma.  I have seen too many good people dealt bad hands for which they didn't deserve. 

Case in point: I had a car accident in 2014 while still wearing a volunteer shirt after cleaning up a plot of land that had been ravaged by tornadoes. If karma existed, my karmic outlook for that day would have won me a guest pass to the pearly gates. Based on that analysis and others I have witnessed, I would feel like a hypocrite if I claimed to believe it. Plus, I am not God, so there's that.

But IF I did believe in it, I would have wanted it during one point in my life and here's why: During the span of these 36 years, I have hit rock bottom. Not necessarily because of something I did, because there has been that, but because life's circumstances decide to rain on my parade. 

At one point in my  life, I was shaken. But it was during this time that I felt the strongest connection to God than ever before. My fear was replaced with calm, my anger was turned to sympathy, and my cries of desperation to be saved from a bad situation did not fall on ears that had turned away, but instead on the heart of  God where the rescue by the Most Almighty Prince came quick. 

Not on a white horse, but instead a Lamb. My world was shaken but my foundation was strong, and I was saved. 

But why me? Why you? 

Not long after my encounter with God, my desperation weakened and I rejoiced in the fact that I had been carried out to the other side where things were solid again. My heart was full of praise and filled with a new song. But later I longed to be back. I longed to feel my Father hold me closely and whisper in my ear again. I wanted to be desperate again.

Beloved, I cannot tell you why bad things happen. I can't tell you why your child went to heaven before you did. I can't tell you why you were given that diagnosis. I can't tell you why your family fell apart. Or why you can't seem to see beyond the everyday blinders that keep you restrained with anxiety and worry. 

But what I can tell you is that God will carry you like he carried me.  There will come a time when you will be able to see it, though it might be hard now. 

And take it from me: you can always be desperate for God. You don't have to have a cataclysmic shift in your life like I did to feel the presence of the One who is always with you. Being desperate for Him can come at any time. I know that there is always a possibility that something could stir things up, but my desperation for an encounter will not change as soon as my roller coaster flies downward at a speed of one-hundred miles per hour. 

I don't believe that God allows bad things to happen to us, but I do think He is capable of making them beautiful. 

Dear God, 

I have friends that are hurting. They are scared. They are in a place where I once was. Now is your time, Lord. I pray protection for them. I pray that even as they read this, they would know that You know their name, You know their situation, and You have everything in the palm of Your hand. Let them truly feel you hugging up next to them and whispering in their ear, "Everything is going to be okay. Trust me. I've got it handled." Let them encounter you, Father. 

And God, thank You. For the trials and the heartaches; for the blessings and assurances; for peace and love. And for responding in our moments of desperation.

Amen.

The Christmas present

Her name is *Lisa. She is a Cabbage Patch doll with golden brown hair, bronze skin, and a scent that reminded me of my childhood. She was a gift to me a few years ago and she is more to me than a remembrance of a simpler time when styling barbie doll hair and accessorizing every stuffed animal known to man (located in my bedroom, of course) was my happy place.

When *Lisa was given to me, I wept. Not only did she remind me of my childhood, she was the namesake of a very special little girl that I had been praying for for a number of years. They shared the same name and appearance, she was a visual reminder for me to keep my prayers coming for my real *Lisa.

When you are in student ministry, particularly younger children, you take the prayer requests week after week and pour into the children that it is your mission to minister to. After so much time has gone by, you realize that while you are not the parents or grandparents, your presence in their lives and prayers over them have bound you to them in a way that is indescribable. Like teaching in a public school, the "church kids" that you invest in become a part of your hear, too. You worry about them, you celebrate the happy times, you cry when they cry, and you try to be strong when you can't give their broken hearts the answer that they want to hear.

*Lisa lived behind me. She was at my house everyday. When she was first introduced to me, she was probably eight years old and loved everything about Justin Beiber and Tobymac. This baby could sing. She would sit at my computer accessing YouTube for as long as I let her and belt out every song like she was the next Alicia Keys. She had a heart for Christ and would accompany me every time I went to the altar on Sunday mornings, crying out to God with her words just as good as the next guy.

I knew that Lisa had a tough home life. She had a good support system in her grandparents, but the situation at home was rocky to say the least. It would be good sometimes, awful others. There would be nights she would come up to the house to simply talk and pray because "Mama and daddy were fighting" or "so-and-so was drinking again." There would be nights I could hear yells coming from the house and wondered if Lisa would be coming up, scared. I would sit on my front porch praying to God for the protection of of everyone in the house, but very specifically my Lisa and her siblings.

Time went on and I saw Lisa growing into a young woman. She was an avid Bible quizzer and as her teacher, I saw that it was more than just memorizing questions and answers, but she got it. She put those words in her heart and locked it tight. I never cared about how she performed at the quiz meets because I knew, like with all of my Bible quizzers, that if these words of life were implanted in their hearts and minds, my job was done.

Then today came. I received word that my Lisa had been placed in foster care. Once upon a time, I had been a CASA, or court appointed special advocate for children in the system. I haven't had a case in over a year because of the time required to take off of work to make court appearances and do home visits, but I know a little bit about all of it. I know that there are some amazing people that run foster homes, God bless them. But I also know that anytime a child is ripped from their home, it can be life altering. Even if the child wasn't safe. Even if foster care was the best option. Even with loving and supportive foster parents. The experience changes the child.

So here I sit dumbfounded. The prayers, Lord, the prayers! She is yours! Haven't you been listening?.

 "God, keep her safe. God, let her know how loved she is. God, let her grow up to know that her worth is not found in anything that she can do, but instead in what you can do through her. Let her light shine. Unite her family."

Pray, pray, pray.

There is a song that Lauren Daigle sings. It says, "When you don't move the mountains, I'm needing you to move. When you don't part the waters, I wish I could walk through. When you don't give the answers, as I cry out to you. I will trust, I will trust in you!"

Dear friends, here is a real live testimony about how life isn't always what we expected. We get let down. We cry out to God, but sometimes His answer is not what we had in mind. But sometimes we are not meant to see, and that is because we can't possibly fathom what God is at work at. Maybe we will get our answer someday, maybe not.

But trust, we must.

"Now this I know. The Lord gives victory to His anointed. He answers them from His Holy Sanctuary with the victorious power of his right hand." (Psalms 20:6)

So, we pray. For the answers that we hope for. For the things we don't understand, For the love of a child, whom is loved more from the Savior than from an adopted mama bear. (And that's a lot.)

God knows her name, even though I didn't tell you what it really was, so please pray for her.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_aVFVveJNs

This changes everything.

Today, I saw "Risen."

Stay with me for a second. Many times, my writings are only the musings in my head and don't make much sense until I can sit down and sort through them. I appreciate your patience.

Rewind to 1997. Jack and Rose boarded a ship called the Titanic. The unsinkable vessel that ultimately became a death ride for many that were headed to the Big Apple in 1912. The film scored more nominations for James Cameron than any other in its time, and although Jack and Rose were fictional characters, the set of the production was made in the true likeness of the actual ocean liner and many facets of the movie could be considered aligned with the real way the boat went down.

This is how [in my mind] I can compare "Risen" to the actual story in the Bible. There are many things that are Biblically based, all with the Jack and Rose story line. Were Jack and Rose real people on the boat? Probably not. Like "Titanic," the main character "Clavius," a Roman tribune, seeks to find out the truth of the Messiah by investigating the mystery behind the vanished body. Yes, there is mention of Roman soldiers in the tale of Jesus' crucifixion in the Word, but none to the extent that the Kevin Reynolds, writer, portrays. 

Clavius is Jack and Rose, and like the Titanic truly sank, the Biblical teachings about our Risen Savior are true. During the movie, there is a scene in which Clavius sits on the peak of a hill during the early morning with Yeshua and the intimacy that is shared between the once-skeptical tribune and the Son of God is breaktaking. The scene is a reminder that we are all Clavius, in a way. If given the chance to encounter the Risen Savior in human form, what could we possibly say? Something tells me that His magnificence would overpower any will we had to ask questions, but instead put us in a state of awe.

That He would die for us. Infeasible.

For years, I have thanked God for making me a mom. It truly changed my life and brought the definition of "myself" to a whole other level. It has truly been my gift from God, amongst other things. I will never understand how some people can encounter the beauty that is new life and not walk away changed. Whether they are a mom, dad, grandma, mia, nana, aunt, poppy, paw paw, grandpa, adopted mother, adopted father, etc. When given the opportunity to help raise a child, it truly is life altering. Your life changes and unless you chose to depart from the situation, you. are. changed.

But is this understanding of our "myself" definition possible in any other way? Yes, beloved. Because such as the way that becoming a part of new life changes us, being given new life through Christ is so much more. And once we have truly encountered it, we can never be the same. Even if we falter, which we will. Even if we start to question it, which we may. Even if we forget all that God has carried us through, which we will, we are still changed. 

In the end of the movie ("Risen," not "Titanic"), the disciples start to depart from the sea of Galilee and the Roman tribune is left with a decision; will he go with them to tell the world about the miracles he has seen, or will he turn back and go a different direction? I am not going to spoil the movie and reveal what he really does, but this analogy can be said for any of us. Will we chose to press on knowing what we know to be true about the Son of God, or will we continue to walk in the other direction? 

Maybe you are reading this and asking yourself what in the world I am talking about. Maybe you have been hurt and you are carrying a burden on your shoulder and feel like this "good news" that I speak of can't possibly pertain to you. Maybe you feel like God has somehow let you down: you didn't get the promotion at work you wanted, you are burdened financially, you have yet to become a mom or dad and that resonates in your heart. Beloved, I know that pain. I have made many mistakes in my life that I have brought upon myself, but also had things happen that weren't my fault. I know pain, trust me. 

\. I know what abandonment feels like, I know what betrayal feels like, I know what it feels like to not know what the future holds. And that is scary! 

But I also know what it is like to know that no matter what my life has seen, or will see, that I have a promise. A promise that I will never be alone. I will never feel the burden on myself like my Savior felt for me. He knows my name, and it is written on His heart. Life will always have difficulties and strife, but when we know that we are loved like a mother or father love their baby, we are never alone. 

Isaiah 49:16 Can a woman forget her nursing child and have no compassion for the son in her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands. Your walls are continually before me.

 Father God, my Savior Jesus, Holy Spirit,

Who am I without you? What would you have me do? I am imperfect in so many ways. I sin in so many ways. Please reveal to me what displeases you. Forgive me. Give me eyes like the One who opened mine. Help me to see the hurting and to lift them up to you. Please keep my heart full of love in such a heartless world. And thank you for my gift. I don't take it for granted, and will never be the same because of it. 

All yours,

Sarah