Joanna

One year ago today, I lost a client. Her name was Joanna and man, was she something.

So many in the homeless community knew Joanna because she had a way of pulling people in need to the places where they could find resources. She was a regular fixture of the Ministry Center and could be found regularly giving out snack cakes or water bottle additives from the lobby. What she had, everyone had. That's just how she was. The day she died, something happened to me and it's taken this year to discover that healing from her death has been harder than I ever would have imagined. Truth be told, I didn't recognize that the trauma of the situation had caused a change in my heart. It would take a simple Sunday school lesson for me to see it clearly like I do now. Let me explain.

Joanna was used to asking me for rides. It happened atleast once a week where she'd hop in the car with me and I'd take her somewhere to get a meal or back to her hotel. The last day I saw her alive, I couldn't give her a ride. I had to tell her no. Joanna walked out of my office and within fifteen minutes, had been hit and killed by a tractor trailer. My mind immediately went to, "If I would have given her a ride, she would be alive." No one could tell me differently.

The change didn't happen overnight, but looking back, I can see how it touched every part of my life. At first, I thought I didn't deserve the right to claim to love and care for people because I couldn't care for her. Masked under the label of being "Covid safe," I withdrew and that started something dark and scary in my life. Before long, I was believing the lies that would tell me that my husband deserved better. My kids deserved better. I wasn't worth the job that I had, and didn't even deserve to carry the banner of Christ.

I thought I wasn't worthy of the love of God, and surely he loved the world enough to send His Son, but that couldn't be for me. I wasn't worth it.

It wasn't until I confessed to my inner circle how I was feeling, did healing begin. They began to send me scripture and songs that reminded me of the Father's love for me. Healing began and now I can't imagine not having my small group of friends, my family (work and home) and my church to lift my eyes back to the Father who was holding my hand through all of my pain and telling me that I was worth the saving that God so freely gives.

I guess I am saying all of that to say this. A year ago if you would have asked me if I had a firm foundation of faith, I would have told you yes, I did! I have experienced Christ in some of the darkest places of my life: in addiction, in the loss of a pregnancy, of my marriage; my God has proven himself faithful more times than I could ever count! But I truly know that there is an enemy of our souls and friends, he doesn't always come like a whirlwind, destroying everything in a big way. Sometimes he sneaks in when we don't see and plants something so small, by the time we are aware, it's huge. That's why we have to put on the armor of God and stay in his Word, because it is Truth. It is alive, and I'm thankful for its words for jumping off the page during Sunday school.

I'll end with this. One of my favorite stories from the Bible comes from Luke 8 and it's about the bleeding woman who was desperate to get healing from Jesus as he walked through a crowd of people. She's so desperate to encounter Him and I can look back and remember times in my life that I was this woman, craving for God to bring healing to my pain. Jesus's words, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace," have spoken to me before, but when I imagine Jesus's voice, it has always been soft, soothing. This particular Sunday, I heard those very words said back to me in a way that I believe God knew he had to express to me in a way that would get my attention. He said, "Daughter! Don't you hear me? I've given you healing before. I have delivered you before. Now go, and get the peace that only I can give you now." The soothing voice that I had once heard was now being boldly said to me in a way that would shake me from the darkness and bring me back into His light. I'm so thankful that the Word of God is alive, for that is the only place that I could have possibly found healing.

Dear God,

My heart goes out to the one tonight that is hearing something that is not from you and is believing it. God, I know you know their pain. Would you pour your light into the darkness that surrounds them? Would you remind them that they are precious to you? That you paid a price for them, too? That they are loved and a treasured gift. Thank you for saving me out of the darkness and for making a garden out of a grave for me. And thank you to the person reading this that gets to see their garden, too.

Amen

87Sue E Wilson, Lynetta Baker Williams and 85 others

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